Random thoughts

I haven't been sleeping well lately ... as a result, my brain is a bit fried lately.
Pregnancy belly issues + snoring loud enough to wake the dead husband = only small bits of sleep here and there ...
So as my mind wanders around aimlessly, I thought I'd share some of it with you - aren't you so glad you checked my blog today????

~ Most of the time I really, truly do feel so blessed to be pregnant again.  We weren't even toying with the idea of adding to our family and yet - here we are, adding to our family.  When I was younger (high school and college) if you asked me how many kids I wanted when I "grew up" I always answered with a definite "four".  However, if you had also asked me when I wanted to get married I would have answered, "right after college".  So when I didn't get married "right after college" and instead got married 2 months shy of turning 28 to a man who was 4.5 years older than me .... well, I figured 4 kids was out of the question.  And yet - here we are, married 13 years with 3 kids and baby #4 on the way.  So yes, most of the time I feel truly blessed to be pregnant again - even if being pregnant is 40 is one of the most physically challenging things I think I have ever done.  But then there are days when I feel rather guilty.  I wasn't even "asking" for a baby and yet the Lord chose to give me one.  In fact, none of our kids are "planned".  David wanted 2, I wanted whatever God would give me while I was between the ages of 30-35. We have never "tried" to get pregnant.  I know what it is like to want to be pregnant - but not what it is like to try and get pregnant only to remain childless. I have friends - two in fact who are very near and dear to my heart - who have repeatedly cried out to God to bless them with children only to remain childless or to receive children but only after suffering losses and undergoing medical intervention.  I know God is God and He is in charge.  I know He has a plan and His ways are not my ways.  But still - this really makes me wonder some days ....

~ What the heck is up with all the crickets around here lately?  So far I have only seen one (knock on wood) in the house but .... our garage?  Oh my - that is a whole 'nother story friends.  If you go in the garage at night it is SO LOUD with cricket chirping!  And you can usually see about 5-6 of them hopping away.  And if you go outside you can hear them anywhere and everywhere.  It makes me think of how it used to be in Dallas in the summers and how there would be those news stories showing the walls of some buildings just covered with them.  I always associated crickets with summer and heat - so why are there so many here?

~ Birth control - what do I do?  Hello - surprised with a pregnancy at 40, I'll be 41 by the time Baby A arrives - obviously "traditional" birth control isn't working for us.... So then I think I should look into the pill again or consider something permanent .... But then .... I don't know if it's my age, or if it's the influence of all my Catholic friends, or maybe I've simply watched one too many episodes of "19 Kids and Counting"  .... but .... I feel ... almost guilty ... I feel like I'm saying "I trust you Lord .. well with most stuff ... but You know ... maybe I should take over this on this baby thing ...." But then on the flip side - God gave us certain things in this world - like medicine - that we are supposed to use, with His guidance ..... And then - I talk to David about it and he gets all silent and makes no comments whatsoever so THEN I feel like he really doesn't want either of us to do anything permanent ... and I don't want to go against him .... BUT THEN ... this pregnancy is certainly taking its toll on me.  It's been so much physically harder this time around.  I've been sick and I've been fatigued before but this time it just seems so much more intense ..... so that makes me think I really can't handle another pregnancy ..... BUT THEN I hear in my head "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." OY!!!

So that's a few of the random thoughts running through my head lately - there are plenty more but it's getting late and even though I KNOW the second I lay down I am going to get nasty heartburn and more than likely some lovely reflux as well, I really should get myself in bed and try to get some sleep.  Nighty - night all!