My thoughts upon our return .......

Well - we're back from our crazy, there-and-back, cram-it-all-in trip to Texas. Oh how I wish we had been there longer. My kids and my husband are so happy to be back to their house and their beds and while I must admit that I am happy to be around my things and I am happy to not have the pressure to see and do as much as possible .... I am not truly happy to be back in Ohio.

I miss Texas so much. I miss my friends. I miss my family - even the ones who stress me out to no end 'cuz really - isn't that part of the whole family thing anyway? I miss the southern culture. Oh - how I miss the food. I miss knowing where everything is. I miss spending my days outdoors. I miss seeing ginormous state flags flying from every car dealership in town.

When we were in Dallas - I wanted to move there. I wanted to be neighbors with Audrey and Robert. I want to help them balance their crazy work schedules. Bobby and Mira would come to our house on the mornings Audrey needed to make it to an early meeting and I would pick them all up from school every day. Our kids would grow up together and be lifelong friends - just like Audrey and I. And the girls could see their cousins more than they do now too. There would be family outings to the zoo and to the museum. I could actually visit Jessica in the hospital when her new baby arrives. I could help out with the boys so Jessica could get to Phoenix and see her grandfather. My kids would know their Uncles. They would get to hear us tell the stories of the stupid things we did growing up.

And then we went to Austin. I loved it! I felt like I was home. Every time I got in the car I didn't even think about where I was driving and BOOM there I was. The car just got there all by itself. I took the girls to Central Market and they loved it so much. It breaks my heart that Amy doesn't remember much from Austin and Allison, of course, has no recollection of it whatsoever. And we had a blast at Jerri's. The kids had so much fun with one another. So then I wanted to be Jerri's next door neighbor. We could have so much fun. She would be there when I want to ask someone's opinion on everything from what color should I paint my shutters to which shoes should I wear with this to what medicines and vaccines are or are not safe for our kids.

I was able to get down to San Antonio and spend a day with Lesley. That meant the WORLD to me. Lesley and I may have had our moments. We might not always have been the closest of friends. But she is dear to me and I am so happy I was able to see her. Lesley has had quite a year and it isn't over yet. If you read this blog and you are of the praying nature - please lift her up. She is headed to MD Anderson on December 7th for some consultation regarding her cancer fight. My personal prayer has been and will continue to be - total 100% healing here on earth that brings Glory to God. A healing that cannot be explained in any other way.

I just want to go home. And if I can't go home I want to get as close to it as I can. (Nashville?) Do you think I ever will? Or am I meant to be here, in stupid Ohio forever? And if so, why? What is God calling me to here? I keep seeking His will on what it is I am supposed to be doing here and I just don't feel like I have found the answer yet.

Is it horrible of me not to be happy here? Am I a bad wife for not loving this place as much as David does?

Am I stuck in one of those never ending "If only ...." chases? Would leaving Ohio really make me happy? Or would I get out of here only to find out that it wasn't Ohio that made me unhappy but something much deeper and uglier? And if that IS the case then what is it that makes me so unhappy?

Don't get me wrong - I have it pretty good. I have so much more than so many people. And for that I am truly thankful. But it's just ... at the end of the day ... when it's all said and done ... I feel like there is something missing.... and whatever that something is ... I can't quite put my finger on it. And it's not every day - but it's often enough to bug me.

UGH! What a depressing post!

I'll try not to come back until I have cheered up. Maybe after I get a few more Christmas decorations up ... maybe after I make a zillion Christmas cookies ..... and test out this new egg nog pound cake recipe I found in my Southern Living ..... (Yes, I still have my subscription to Southern Living 'cuz you know, I like to torture myself that way ......)

I promise -my next post will be cheery!