Where's the FUN in the Dysfunction ?!?!

UGH! What a day.....

Going to take a break from posting about my small family and post about the family I came from.

We weren't picture perfect - what family is ... but we got through ... we came out on the other side ... Did we come out "no worse for the wear" ? ..... I can't say ..... but we grew from our experiences right? I am a better and stronger person for them right?

I have been doing some thinking lately - trying to figure out how I came to be who I am - why I do some of the things I do .....

I have come to the conclusion that I have spent the majority of my life trying to go un-noticed, trying to fade in the background. And I still do it, although not as often. Why? I think I didn't want attention for many reasons. I think I didn't want negative attention - it was too intense. I think I didn't want positive attention because it made me feel guilty.

My older brother is here for a visit. His ex lives here, somewhere in northern Ohio. He was going to see her and her son when he came here. There was no way I would be able to stop him. He was going to go up Tuesday and come back Wednesday. He left here Monday nite instead and as I type it is 10:14 Wednesday evening and he isn't back.

He doesn't love this girl, he loves her son. He wants a family, they are an easy instant family. She is BAD news. She is bad news in so many ways.

And here I sit - feeling like a failure, feeling like I failed him, feeling like once again I can't save him and I can't protect him. I am supposed to be the strong one, the good one, I am supposed to be the caretaker - it is my role, like it or not, and apparently I SUCK at it. Although - really - what could I have done here? Nothing really - short of casting a magic spell to change our past, somehow making my big brother want more for himself than this ..........

Sorry for the random post that probably makes very little sense - just needed to get it out - sort of .........

I need a break! I need some fun! I need a family function with no drama! Does such a thing exist? I mean really, we all think we see families having a great, fun, big fabulous outings, we hear about them but do they really happen? That movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? ... I so want that kind of family for my kids ... you think I could buy one somehwere?